The Job of a Lifetime!

On May 5th, I woke up and was literally crazy. I felt different, was super emotional, smelled different. I couldn't figure it out. I just remember being sooooo irritated with Slimmy even though he didn't do anything wrong.

When I got to work, I wrote him this ridiculously long email, I couldn't tell you what it said I was crazy. We didn't get a long much of the day-totally my fault. Hours later after a non- stop emotional day, I wound up camped out in our bedroom completely overheated.

As I was laying there sweating and uncomfortable I literally started stripping off my clothes all the while crying. In the middle of this hot mess, I thought...What's wrong with me, these aren't regular people emotions.

OF COURSE! These weren't regular people emotions, these were pregnant emotions...I knew I was pregnant. I sat straight up in the bed and KNEW it. I went and took a test and of course it said what I knew, I was pregnant!

Oh shit, I thought! Not because of the baby, but because of how mean I was to Slim. I was now scared to tell him, because this was supposed to be happy news and I had been so horrible to him. I also didn't want him to think that's how I would be the entire pregnancy.

Seeing that positive sign was literally the most wonderful yet terrifying moment of my life. A few random stops and another pregnancy test taken with Best Friend Claire, I was sure I wasn't crazy and I needed to tell my husband.

I got back home, snuck into the man cave and apologized for being crazy, but hoped he would understand because (and then i handed him all of the tests) ...

Shocked he said, "is this forreal." I assured him that it was. He then asked me if he could play his game for a little bit. It makes me laugh now but at the time I wanted to punch him in his face...I just told you I was pregnant and you want to play Call of DUTY!

I realize he needed to digest everything, it was an exhausting day....I was up and down and pure crazy. After an hour he hugged me and he was really excited, we were both TERRIFIED.

We still are and keeping it a secret has been tough! But it's a very scary thing and honestly you have to be ready to share it with the world on your own time.

I have had HORRIBLE 24 hour sickness. Screw those women who just get sick in the morning. Then they put me on anti nausea medicine and it made me constipated... but I guess I gotta pick and choose my battles right?

I love chicken, but the baby doesn't! No chicken nuggets, baked chicken, fried chicken, chicken ceasar salad...no nothing. What kind of black baby is this?!

But when I heard that baby's heartbeat... OMG! It was love at first sound. I have never loved something so much in my life. It's instant and it is amazing.

I'm getting a little baby bump and I have acne for the first time in my life, but there is a human inside of me and that is soooooooooo cool.

The best part for me, is knowing how wonderful Slimmy is! My kid is gonna have an amazing daddy!

The worst part, I hate people and their need to tell you horror pregnancy stories or offer you unwarranted advice, "Your whole life is gonna change." UH DUH! YA THINK?!?!? Did you ever think that I am fully aware of that and I am excited for that change? I welcome it with open arms!

WOW, I am still pretty much in shock! Praying everyday for a healthy baby! Glad I could finally share it all with you!

Being a mom, definitely the job of a lifetime...I can't wait!

Twas The Night Before I said I DO...Goodbye Miss Epps

Before a friend of mine got married, someone asked her...what does a bride think of the night before she gets married. I do not at all think that all brides think of the same thing...I am positive about this because right now I am thinking about Slimmy.

I am thinking about his smile, a smile that makes me feel better every time I see it. I am thinking of his laugh, a laugh that I am so glad I get to hear for the rest of my life. I am thinking about how I feel when I am with him...and that is how I know that I am making the right decision.

From the moment I gave in and decided to love him, all I have wanted was to be a better person. He has made me push myself in a way that I couldn't or rather didn't do on my own.

Am I scared...of course, anxious? Oh my God yes, but am I sure is the biggest question...and yes I am. I am more sure about this than I have ever been about anything else in my entire life. I am sure that when I walk on this sandy beach tomorrow, I will be walking into the arms of a man I love, honor, respect, cherish...and do NOT want to live the rest of my days without.

So what does a bride think about the night before her wedding? Well, I can't stop thinking about him and honestly, I hope I think about him for the rest of my life.

I am saying goodbye to Danielle Epps, a girl who dreamed big, wanted a fairytale romance and wanted to change the world.

Tomorrow begins my new life, that little girl is all grown up, she still dreams big and wants to change the world, but she is now LIVING HER REAL LIFE FAIRYTALE!

I love him, I will shout it from the rooftops, I am proud to love someone so much! And for the rest of my life, I will stand by him and just like he has helped me be better...I will push him to do the same.

Tomorrow I will be his wife...and I'm guessing...it will be the best day of my life.

Thanks babes! Here's to the rest of our life :) Goodbye Danielle Epps

The Man in My Life!

When we were little, my brother couldn't really pronounce the word girls...It sounded like grills. Every time I think of that, it makes me smile.

He was 3 years younger than me but ALWAYS around. He would follow me everywhere. "Get away from me" I would scream and in this cute little voice he would say, but I wanna play with the grills."

For whatever reason he always wanted to be around me, I tortured him. Dressed him up in all kinds of ridiculous play clothes, made him be a peasant when I was royalty, but he always wanted to play.

I can't remember exactly how old he was at the time but we were super young and he went off to ride his bike.

You know when you are little and the breaks are in the chain? Well the chain fell off as he was coming down a hill and he collided with a truck.

It was one of the worst days of my life. I still remember how I felt thinking that I might lose him. When he was laying in the hospital and no one would knew if he would make it, he asked for me.

I went into his hospital room and was shocked by his little bruised and battered body. I begged him not to leave me and promised I would never make him wear dresses or be mean to him again if he promised to come home and play with me.

We have since grown up but I have never forgotten what he means to me...EVEN WHEN I DON'T SHOW IT.

He has kind of been my night and shining armor, my constant supporter, sober cab more times than I can count, financially he is giving me more than he really can for my big day, he really has been the man in my life.

When I'm sad, angry, happy...He is too. I've known him his whole life and I love him so much. I love the man that he turned out to be, especially since we never really had great male role models.

I know that sometimes he thinks that I take him for granted, and he's right. It's never on purpose, but since he has always been there and never let me down, I began to expect nothing less without really thanking him.

I'm getting married soon and as wonderful as a day as it will be for me, I bet it will also be wonderful for him. His sister is all grown up and is happy and in love and found a man who will take really good of her.

I am so very excited for this new chapter in my life and to marry the love of my life. There's something important though that needs to be said.

I am giving my world to my future husband, but I was very well taken care of by my brothers and they set the bar high.

Baby brother, I love and appreciate you. Thank you for being the man in my life and for helping me become the woman that I am.

I love you and you more than deserve to give me away on my wedding day!

Today I'm 26! January 29th, 2011

Today I am happy and think that I am right where I am supposed to be, but it took a long time to feel that way. Today I am another year older, definitely smarter...prepared to love like I've never been hurt. Today I am 26.

This past year I grew so much, I learned so much and more than anything-I loved sooooooo much. I gave up my dream of going to Miss USA and instead chose to say yes to the man who asked me to marry him.

I decided that my relationship with my dad hurt me entirely too much entirely too often and for the most part cut my losses.

I had the best interview of my life with Kanye West. I was so proud of myself that day. I did a lot for the American Heart Association and I will continue to do that.

I was a bridesmaid.

I traveled a lot- LA, Vegas, Saint Lucia...It was amazing. I stayed at an amazing Bed and Breakfast. I had my faith tested...I kept my faith.

I buried my niece and it hurt so bad, but it brought me so much closer to my sisters.

I was talked into trying sea food. I hated it and I will never do it again. I saw Snoop Dogg, Lauren Hill and Janet Jackson in concert.

I watched more episodes of Law and Order SVU than I can remember. I had so many late night movie nights with my love.

I cried a lot! but I smiled so much more.

I realized just how important Claire, Kiley, Mary Clare, Linnea and Cristina are to me.

I realized that people change and me and Shannon picked up right where we left off.

I said goodbye to working with Tony for so long and actually had the courage to do my own show. I fell in love with doing my own show.

I learned that people like Jessica, the lusters, Brenda Torre, Katie, Giselle, Renee, Brandon and Becky love me unconditionally.

I bought a house.

I had my feelings hurt, I hurt peoples' feelings-I felt bad over both.

I was blessed enough to have someone like Missy Germain-MOMMA MISSY in my life!

I missed Michael Jackson so I listened to Human Nature a lot. I learned not to expect people to behave or react to something the way that I would.

I realized that my mom is ultimately the best friend I have ever had.

I laughed until I cried with Tony and B-right. I thanked God for them often.

I realized that I want to start a family soon.

I had my trust broken, I cried a lot, I decided to forgive.

I made it through another year.

Happy Birthday to me.

Saying Goodbye to 2010

Normally I would be excited for the end of one year and the beginning of a new, but I am clinging to 2010.

2010 has been one of the greatest years of my life.

The man that I love asked me to marry him, I said yes :)

we bought a house, which we love :)

I got my own radio show :)

So many amazing things happened in 2010, but I guess instead of clinging to something that will inevitably disappear, I should look forward to 2011 because I honestly believe the best is yet to come.

I get to start off the year with a birthday, then a month full of pre-wedding celebrations, then WEDDING...and who knows, maybe some babies in 2011.

I would like to thank 2010 for being so amazing to me. I would like to warn 2011 that it has some big shoes to fill. I would also like to thank everyone who has been a part of the greatest year of my life so far.

Adios 2010, I love you and I will remember you fondly.

PS- My NYE resolution is to have an equally wonderful year or even better than 2010!

Danni

Letting Go-Dear Daddy

When I decided to write this letter, I knew it didn't matter if I ever sent it, or if you ever read it, because it wasn't about that. I knew this would be a release of emotions I have held onto for entirely too long. Emotions that I am FINALLY ready to let go of. So if you one day read this, good for you, and if you don't-good for me for at least getting it out.

My whole life I've been conflicted over my feelings for you. I would struggle over loving you, hating you, being disappointed in you, loving you again, being let down by you, loving you despite of it all -only to continue on with the cycle.

As I prepare for the biggest day of my life, my mind constantly takes me back through the years. I think about your humor, your outrageous laugh and your bedtime songs, I think about how much you made me laugh.

I also think about the violence, the fear, the embarrassment, the tears, the bruises, the lies, the anger, the hurt...THE ALCOHOL.

somewhere in my childhood I began to blame myself for you not being around, so I did what I thought would help. I excelled at everything. I got great grades, I was involved in everything. I wanted so bad for you to be proud of me, which is amazing because I can't remember ever being proud of you.

I've heard the story of my birth, what it comes down to is you showed up intoxicated, I can honestly say that I believe you stayed that way my entire life.

At my first communion you showed up with alcohol on your breath and we high fived after I tasted the blood of Jesus, i guess finally we had something in common. I felt so close to you that day...as a grown woman looking back on that moment, it is almost impossible to admit to that without tears.

You should have been there to scare the boy who took me to prom, you weren't.

I graduated at the top of my class in High School. I remember looking out into the audience thinking maybe just maybe. I threw my hat up without you.

I graduated Magna Cum Laude from college. I know you could not tell me what my degree is.

You should have been there to wipe the tears, to mend my often broken heart, instead you were often the cause of the tears and the heart breaking.

I loved you and resented you at the same time-It hurt so bad. As I write this I realize that it still hurts.


Why? How could you? Why don't you remember what you did to us? WHY COULDN'T YOU STOP DRINKING? Those questions plagued my childhood.

I continued to try to prove to myself that I was good enough so I continued to excel. I became Miss Minnesota and started an amazing career. What I was lacking from virtually no relationship with you I made up by always saying yes to people and being terrified to let people down because I knew all to well how that felt.

I blamed myself for so long, thinking that it was something that I had done... and then one magical day RECENTLY, I realized that it WAS NEVER MY FAULT. You not being there had nothing to do with me, it had everything to do with you. IT WAS YOUR CHOICE.

Instead of raising your kids, helping them become amazing people, you chose to drink and disappear... AND IT WAS NEVER MY FAULT .

I have to say this, I love you very much. Your actions, wow did it help me become an amazing woman.

Because of you- I pushed myself so hard that I am where I am today.
Because of you-I am going to be an amazing parent.
Because of you-I had daddy issues that when finally worked through made me so strong.
and Because of you-I am marrying a man who I KNOW WILL NEVER PUT HIS HANDS ON ME

I love you and I forgive you for everything you did, but the memories...those I will hold with me forever and they will continue to drive me forward and teach me lessons.

You have missed some amazing moments. Blacking out for most of your life makes time go fast. I bet you woke up one day and were shocked that we were all grown up and that you had missed it all.

On March 19th, 2011 I am going to marry the man of my dreams. Most little girls dream of marrying men like their fathers. He is nothing like you and honestly you should be thanking the lord for that. He is going to take care of me. He is going to treat me like his equal. We are going to start a family and he is going to put his family first. He is going to be faithful to me.

AND...If he puts his hands on me, it will be to wipe my hair out of my face, to hug me, or to catch me when I fall.

My whole life you Chose not to be there, but on March 19th, 2011 as I walk down the aisle into the arms of an amazing man, you will not be walking with me...AND THAT IS MY CHOICE.

Daddy, I love you and it is never too late to change. I hope that you do but I am not waiting for you to. I am over being let down instead I just hope and pray that one day you don't want to miss anymore.

Until then, you are going to miss so much, and man am I going to miss you, but unfortunately it's a feeling I know so well and am comfortable with.

Loving you always, even from a distance.

Danielle Marie

I want to tell you things!

Sometimes I hold grudges for too long, but then again you shouldn't have made me mad in the first place. I really enjoy straight teeth, I know that is weird, why I am attracted to nice teeth is beyond me but I am. Bob Marley music makes me feel... that sentences trails off because there are too many things that Bob Marley music makes me feel. If i had to sum it up though, Bob Marley Music makes me feel free.

I cried hardest when my cat died. He was the same age as my little brother who was 18 at the time and my brother said, "please don't die, I don't know life without you. " It was one of the saddest moments of my life. I hate when people "can't believe" that I don't like seafood... I can't believe that you do... Yeah, you see how dumb that is? I have had a recurring dream since I was little. I call it the glass house dream. Long story short i get chased by this kidnapper and I wind up hiding in a glass house... Seriously a glass house, see through as if that's safe. That's just how my mind works/tortures me.

I am on weight watchers right now and I actually kinda like it. When I know something is right, I just know. I only looked at one house, and then I bought it, same goes for my pageant dresses, first time encounters with people, situations, and the man I am going to marry. I always thought I was right until I loved some one so much that I actually let them be right. It's scary but I like it.

I want to have kids right after I get married, everyone always says wait...WHY? I think I will really do something important in this lifetime. I feel it, always have...always will until it happens I bet. I believe in gay rights, I would like to say that one again...I BELIEVE IN GAY RIGHTS! I want to make a difference. I love the color pink. I love him...so much it hurts sometimes :)

If I can help you, I will. I secretly wish I knew how to play Madden...secrets out now i guess. I am going to travel the world. I promise! I love Jesus but dislike organized religion with a passion. Claire Anton knows me very well. I am terrified of death. I love life! The world is an interesting place.

I truly hope people are essentially good...but lately it seems the opposite. God gave me dimples and it makes me feel obligated to smile as much as possible.

Love always, Danni