Letting Go-Dear Daddy

When I decided to write this letter, I knew it didn't matter if I ever sent it, or if you ever read it, because it wasn't about that. I knew this would be a release of emotions I have held onto for entirely too long. Emotions that I am FINALLY ready to let go of. So if you one day read this, good for you, and if you don't-good for me for at least getting it out.

My whole life I've been conflicted over my feelings for you. I would struggle over loving you, hating you, being disappointed in you, loving you again, being let down by you, loving you despite of it all -only to continue on with the cycle.

As I prepare for the biggest day of my life, my mind constantly takes me back through the years. I think about your humor, your outrageous laugh and your bedtime songs, I think about how much you made me laugh.

I also think about the violence, the fear, the embarrassment, the tears, the bruises, the lies, the anger, the hurt...THE ALCOHOL.

somewhere in my childhood I began to blame myself for you not being around, so I did what I thought would help. I excelled at everything. I got great grades, I was involved in everything. I wanted so bad for you to be proud of me, which is amazing because I can't remember ever being proud of you.

I've heard the story of my birth, what it comes down to is you showed up intoxicated, I can honestly say that I believe you stayed that way my entire life.

At my first communion you showed up with alcohol on your breath and we high fived after I tasted the blood of Jesus, i guess finally we had something in common. I felt so close to you that day...as a grown woman looking back on that moment, it is almost impossible to admit to that without tears.

You should have been there to scare the boy who took me to prom, you weren't.

I graduated at the top of my class in High School. I remember looking out into the audience thinking maybe just maybe. I threw my hat up without you.

I graduated Magna Cum Laude from college. I know you could not tell me what my degree is.

You should have been there to wipe the tears, to mend my often broken heart, instead you were often the cause of the tears and the heart breaking.

I loved you and resented you at the same time-It hurt so bad. As I write this I realize that it still hurts.


Why? How could you? Why don't you remember what you did to us? WHY COULDN'T YOU STOP DRINKING? Those questions plagued my childhood.

I continued to try to prove to myself that I was good enough so I continued to excel. I became Miss Minnesota and started an amazing career. What I was lacking from virtually no relationship with you I made up by always saying yes to people and being terrified to let people down because I knew all to well how that felt.

I blamed myself for so long, thinking that it was something that I had done... and then one magical day RECENTLY, I realized that it WAS NEVER MY FAULT. You not being there had nothing to do with me, it had everything to do with you. IT WAS YOUR CHOICE.

Instead of raising your kids, helping them become amazing people, you chose to drink and disappear... AND IT WAS NEVER MY FAULT .

I have to say this, I love you very much. Your actions, wow did it help me become an amazing woman.

Because of you- I pushed myself so hard that I am where I am today.
Because of you-I am going to be an amazing parent.
Because of you-I had daddy issues that when finally worked through made me so strong.
and Because of you-I am marrying a man who I KNOW WILL NEVER PUT HIS HANDS ON ME

I love you and I forgive you for everything you did, but the memories...those I will hold with me forever and they will continue to drive me forward and teach me lessons.

You have missed some amazing moments. Blacking out for most of your life makes time go fast. I bet you woke up one day and were shocked that we were all grown up and that you had missed it all.

On March 19th, 2011 I am going to marry the man of my dreams. Most little girls dream of marrying men like their fathers. He is nothing like you and honestly you should be thanking the lord for that. He is going to take care of me. He is going to treat me like his equal. We are going to start a family and he is going to put his family first. He is going to be faithful to me.

AND...If he puts his hands on me, it will be to wipe my hair out of my face, to hug me, or to catch me when I fall.

My whole life you Chose not to be there, but on March 19th, 2011 as I walk down the aisle into the arms of an amazing man, you will not be walking with me...AND THAT IS MY CHOICE.

Daddy, I love you and it is never too late to change. I hope that you do but I am not waiting for you to. I am over being let down instead I just hope and pray that one day you don't want to miss anymore.

Until then, you are going to miss so much, and man am I going to miss you, but unfortunately it's a feeling I know so well and am comfortable with.

Loving you always, even from a distance.

Danielle Marie